Yeah, I would have to say that I would love it if I could find a girl who would lay next to me and caress and kiss me all throughout like we were making love. It would also make it easier to find a girl who doesn’t make me scared to talk to her or something. I don’t even think I have moved to the bases yet, let alone have sex. I have one thing to thank, and I know it by name: shell of fear. I have lived in such a shell of fear, so afraid to make any moves at all, and I have lived in this isolation because of it. I don’t have anybody now because I am afraid to make a move. What’s worse is that even if I were to make a move at all, I don’t think I would even know how to do it. I basically live in my little box, and it kept me away from harm for so long. Now, though it has left me afraid to move, and I freeze up to do so.
All in all, now I am just a lonely guy. A lonely virgin guy. Kissless too. I haven’t even held hands with a girl before. I mean, I haven’t experienced all those things that everybody else is supposed to do. I am basically behind everyone else, and I am stuck there too. What girl would be interested in me? I mean, I can barely talk to one, and I shake, stammer, and embarrass myself in the process to where I want to hold my head low. I definitely am not the smooth operator, and I don’t have the ability to draw people magnetically. I speak in such a soft voice, with like no bass, and I am often afraid to speak up because I’m so passive. I hate it so much, but I am somehow stuck like this. I just turn timid too easily, and I can’t understand why. All that combined with a skinny physique (which women find so hot… NOT!) and you have the me virgin. It’s so shameful a life, I’m finding out.
I just feel trapped in myself, and it’s like its own prison being me some days. I look at everyone else, and I see people enjoying themselves and having a good time. Yet here am I, and I basically stick out as the sore thumb unable to fit in anywhere. I’m so soft and pathetic that I just can’t seem to deliver when it counts. Yup, there it is. I’m soft, I’m weak, I’m a weak man. I’m just not good enough or tough enough. My virginity tells me that.
I’m a wimp, I’m a wimp. I’m not a real man, and I know this. I need to become a real man. I’m so tired of being the one guy who always freezes and enters into the ‘friend zone’ with women. I’m tired of feeling like a loser. I’m tired of having no confidence. I am tired of being the guy who admires from afar and fantasizes about different women that he’s scared to talk to in real life. I’m tired of being rejected, I’m tired of feeling unworthy, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m less of a man. I’m tired of feeling so low-status. I am tired of being on the sidelines and never truly in the game. It’s no fun, and it’s a lonely existence.
It’s as if I am the shy guy in the corner, and I just go unnoticed through it all. Then when I do get noticed, I am the shy, awkward, loser guy. I bet most people can tell and read that I’m a virgin. It’s probably on my forehead or something. I am literally lagging behind, and it is displayed every single day, as I’m the odd man out. Maybe I need this so that I can finally become more confident and actually be cool for once. Who knows?
I sometimes wonder if I even matter after most days. Sometimes my thoughts secretly say I am wasting my time. It’s better to find out for once, right? Maybe being loved by somebody (even if it’s for only like 1 night of acceptance) is what I need most. Maybe it would give me the confidence I have been looking for, maybe it will make me fearless, maybe it will boost my ability up. At least I hope, because I don’t like being myself, the soft and timid shy virgin who just can’t interact with anyone (women definitely). I just want things to change for me, and actually have some semblance of a life, not a pathetic one in which I’m the loser all the time.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by poeticjustice.