Wait, what? Isn’t sex inherently enjoyable? Isn’t that how we’ve managed to keep the species going for so long?

Well, yes. But in the internet age, where an overabundance of conflicting information can lead to anxiety, nervousness and self-consciousness about even the most primal of occurrences, it’s not always easy to have an enjoyable sexual experience.

Let’s go back to basics and outline a few of the fundamental requisites for enjoyable sex.

Pick the right partner

And I don’t mean be so picky that you never take a chance with anyone. It’s a yes or no instinct that you’ll feel – often within the first few minutes of a conversation. If there’s no chemistry, don’t force it. There’s no worse sex than disconnected, just-going-through-the-motions sex.

I learned this early on in my working sex life. Maybe it was the tone of our conversation, or that I was sober and he was drunk, but for whatever reason there was no chemistry. We did it anyway. When we were done, he asked, “Is that it?” I thought the same thing, and promised myself that in the future I would always have some kind of connection before I have sex with someone, even if I’m being paid.

Say what you want

Whether you want to try something new or you know exactly what works for you, don’t be shy. I can’t tell you how many times I am hesitantly asked by an almost trembling client if I’m willing to do a very common sexual practice. Often when I encounter someone with such a fear of rejection, I also hear about a list of failed relationships where inhibitions have contributed to an inability to sexually connect with anyone – ever.

If you like to be touched in a certain way or a certain place, or you have a favorite position, speak up. Odds are, your partner will appreciate learning about you and be turned on by knowing how to please you.

Relax and let go

The most common mistake is over-thinking sex. I had a client come in who’d watched a lot of porn and had a list of positions he wanted to try. In the beginning, he wasn’t really enjoying any of it because his approach was to quickly go through the checklist and tick off the boxes. I stopped him half way through and said I wouldn’t change position until he expressed what he liked or didn’t like in each one. This forced him to focus on his body rather than rushing through the positions, and he began to really get into it.

Let go of any unhelpful thoughts such as worry about what they’re thinking or if you’re doing it “right.” Be in the moment. Focus on your breath, smell the subliminally perceptible pheromones, feel the skin-on-skin contact and the sensations in your body. If you’re not sure what to do, don’t do anything. Don’t be afraid of stillness. Let your partner make the moves until your body gets into the flow and responds naturally.

Sex is primitive. It happens underneath all the stuff we add onto it in our heads. The more you can let go of what is in your mind and allow your body and instincts to take over, the more you – and your partner – will enjoy having sex.