The Art of Assisting Female Orgasm

“I want to get my sexcapades sizzling,” you say. “How do I make her cum?” you ask.

So, you want to please a woman? Say no more. Forget what your friends told you. Forget what porn told you. Take it from a woman who’s had tons of great sex, has taught countless men, women, and couples, how to take their touch to the next level, and even lives with talented ladies who do the same! Follow these 5 essential tips (and try your hand at the bonus guide!), to be on your way to maximizing the chances of getting your special girl a ride on the ‘F-train’ to ‘O-town’!

1. Adjust Your Attitude.

First thing’s first…

Before you go anywhere near your lady, have a healthy attitude about sex.

Many of these so-called gurus who claim they can teach you ‘how to make her cum’ get something very important wrong: Telling you women are impossible to please, that we’re difficult, mysterious beings who are worlds apart from men when it comes to pleasure. ‘Men are from Mars, women are from Venus,’ they say. Well, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret — We’re not. We’re from Earth, and we love sex. Women get a bad rap for being the ‘problem children’ of the bedroom. So, let’s unravel that myth and adjust our attitudes.

Sex is an experience. It’s not black and white. It can be awkward, tender, nervous, loud, quiet… It can be lots of things. So let it! Accept the reality that sometimes she just isn’t going to cum. No matter how good or handsome or unicorn-ly you are. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you or her. Remember that her orgasm, a thing that can’t be done on command, isn’t all about you. Don’t ask her over and over if she came yet, why she hasn’t, or how long it’s going to take. That ‘no-no’, is a fast track to making sure she never cums anywhere near you. Put yourself in her shoes. Can you imagine if a woman stood over you and asked why you aren’t harder, why your loads aren’t bigger, nagged you the whole time? Crappy, right? No one needs that kind of pressure dumped on them. It’s not sexy. We’re here to feel good, so be positive!

2. Communicate

This is a big one, fellas. Everyone’s always saying it and nodding their heads. ‘Communication’ this, ‘communication’ that. But what does that look like? What does it mean? ‘Say stuff!’ …’But what stuff’, you ask. Don’t worry. I’m here to rescue you from vagaries. Here’s a handy little breakdown.

Before anything else, ask what you have permission to do. Consent is sexy. Review what isn’t okay. Then, respect the boundaries she gives you! If she says ‘don’t pull my hair’, then don’t! If she says ‘my nipples are really sensitive, please don’t touch those’, then stay away from them! This is mandatory, man. She’s not going to cum if she’s worried you’re going to pull some weird shit she asked you not to do. Also, this is a two-way street, so be sure she knows where your boundaries are as well. She’s human, a sexual creature, and probably wants to touch you. Let her know if there are things you’re not okay with, take the guesswork out of it so the two of you can get to having fun.

Second, ask for guidance. Now that you’ve got what’s not good covered, ask along the way what is good, using phrases such as, ‘Does this feel good?’ ‘Would you like more or less pressure?’ ‘How do you like to be touched?’ ‘Show me.’ Ask for guidance, follow direction, and do what you’re told. It’s fine. She’s not any more psychic than you are, so you need to give her guidance as well. For example: ‘I like when you…’ ‘I’m really into…’ ‘Do you think you could try…’ It’s okay to say ‘no’ when you’re not comfortable… But remember to also say ‘yes’ when it’s going right!

Engage in mutual verbal reassurance. Through my job as a licensed courtesan, I’ve witnessed many happy couples get hot and heavy and achieve intense orgasms. You know what all of these couples had in common? They lavished each other in verbal affirmations. You know that hot fantasy you have where your lady says things like, ‘it feels so good’, ‘Oh god I love your dick’, and she’s fawning all over your cock like it’s the dopest thing since sliced bread? Well, women like to hear those affirmations too! Here’s a scene I’ve witnessed time and time again in happy couples: he’s saying, ‘you’re so beautiful… You smell so good… Your pussy is amazing’ as he handles her with the utmost attentiveness… And you know what she’s doing…? Cumming, folks. She’s cumming.

Because it bears repeating… Remember the first tip of this lesson about attitude? Remember that everyone is different. She’s her own person. You’re your own person. Keep an open mind, roll with the punches and be chill — it’s not a one size fits all. When in doubt… Ask her!

3. Slooooow Doooown

Remember when I said we really aren’t that different? That ‘put yourself in her shoes’ bit? Yeah, keep doing that, keep it real. So many guys make this mistake. They forget to ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’… Rapidly groping her like a squeaky stress ball, shimmying their palm back and forth over her hair as if waving goodbye to their aunt Mildred, playing patty cake on her tummy… Do ‘squeaky stress ball’, ‘aunt Mildred’, and ‘patty cake’ sound like hot sexytimes to you? No? Me neither.

Slow down and back up that verbal reassurance I taught you with mindful touch. Don’t just honk her boobs and pat her pussy. Caress her belly and ribs, run your finger along her neck and collarbone, brush her skin with your lips and take in her scent. Kiss her hips and thighs like they’re the tastiest things… Pet her thoroughly and get lost in her charms. Worship that booty like the precious peach it is! If you’re not ready to regard her body as a wonderland and treat her like a queen, you’re not ready to be king. Set yourself apart from ‘patty cake guy’ and touch her with a sense of purpose!

4. Keep things wet

Alright, so, I’m a very slippery lady, but even I’m no match for days where my body is being weird — lots of vigorous in-and-out, dehydration from forgetting to stay hydrated during long sessions of awesome lovemaking (we have an article on this by the lovely Paloma…), living in deserts and tundras… Not every woman always has a flooding vagina. Be proactive and use lube! Lube for rubbing, lube for condoms, lube for gloves, lube for toys… Dryness and chafing are the enemy of pussy, dick, condoms, dams…Just, lube. Use lube. Not spit. Lube! I recommend silicone lubes such as Eros Bodyglide and Uberlube for sessions of sexy time rubbing, (just don’t use those on silicone toys- it wrecks them) and brands such as Wicked or Jo (their ‘Gelato’ line in particular) for water-based flavors that make condoms and dental dams super tasty.

5. Groom!

The sound and sight of trimming, clipping, and filing, are a pussy-pleasers mating call.

Seriously. Ladies are pressured to do all kinds of stuff to keep things tidy and fresh for your smelling, viewing, and stroking pleasure. Show her a little respect by exercising some mutuality. That doesn’t mean you have to shave the family jewels bald. Just trim your hedges, soap thoroughly, take care of your junk. It makes things smell better, makes you more sexually sensitive, it’s easier for her to go down on you, and you won’t have a bunch of pubes absorbing all of her moisture.

And let’s not forget… Nails. Trim and file your nails. Vaginas are soft and delicate. Clean, well-manicured nails are still, always going to be the standard preference, whether or not you’re fingering her. If you have stabby, rough nails, even gloves won’t save you. Keep ‘em clean, boys.

Now it’s time for…

The Bonus Round!

By now you might be thinking, ‘Alright, Iris, I get it, talk to her, worship her, do what she says, be clean, use lube, don’t nag… But how do I touch her down there? What do I do? How do I start?’ Sadly, we won’t have enough time to discuss the nuances of g-spotting, deep-spotting, or oral in this article (you’ll just have to come here in person for that, wink wink) but don’t worry, I won’t abandon you without suggesting at least a little manual technique to help move you along.

So, you’ve asked her what she’s into and not into, caressed her breasts, kissed her hips and thighs, stroked the outside of her underwear, told her how hot she is (and meant it) teased and otherwise showered her with the kind of foreplay she’s asked you for… Now what?

Ask her if you can give her a vulva massage. Part of the fun about interacting with pink parts is their uniqueness, and if she’s down, this is a great way to explore her anatomy. This is not a one size fits all. Hers isn’t going to look like anyone else’s, just like your dick isn’t identical to any other guys. Her petals are going to vary in color, size, shape, texture, scent. This is your opportunity to get in there and look at it! Don’t act scared of her fun bits. Can you imagine if a woman squinted and aimed blindly trying to give you a handjob, and didn’t know what your dick looked like? If you don’t want that girl, then don’t be that guy. (If you think her pussy is weird or gross, maybe you shouldn’t be trying to put your dick in there… And don’t let the bedroom door hit you on the way out.)

If she says yes… Have her lay relaxed on her back with her legs spread. Sit beside her or between her legs. (If you can fit comfortably, I recommend being between so you can center yourself.) Apply a generous amount of silicone lubricant to her vulva and softly stroke her to spread the lube evenly: over her groin, mons, outer lips, inner lips, the hood of her clit. Once she’s nice and slippery, place the pads of your thumbs to either side of her groin, outside of her pussy. Clasp her thighs with your hands and use your thumbs to massage her slowly using a circular motion, just as though you were giving a neck rub. (Don’t forget to ask if she wants more or less pressure.) This entire area, where the thigh connects to the pelvis, can hold a lot of tension for both men and women, and it very rarely gets enough love and attention for how much work it does. Don’t rush this. No one likes a rushed massage… The point is to relax. A relaxed woman is more likely to feel safe. Feeling safe facilitates cumming.

A little at a time, bring that circular motion inwards, sliding your thumbs from her groin to the outer lips of her pussy. Caress those up… And down… Up, and down, bringing the pads (the pads! Not the nails! We’re massaging, not scratching) into the dip between her outer and inner lips. Rub her from top to bottom here, with your thumbs on either side of her clit. All the way from top to bottom. Not two times. Not three. Do it over and over. I’d recommend a dozen times at least, if she’s digs it. This is your golden window to look at and appreciate her. Spread her lips apart a little while you do this so you can see her. Pleasing her requires knowing what’s going on down there. So stroke that pussy! Marvel at it.

Take your well-lubed palm, center it against her kitty, and pet her from the bottom of her pussy, over her clit, all the way up over her mons, using your whole hand, fingertips to the beginning of your wrist, so as to caress as much of her as possible in one long stroke. (Just your hands, a little wrist, don’t be going crazy with forearms and elbows, we don’t need that.) Follow by doing the same with your opposite hand. Follow one hand with the other, slowly and steadily, over and over. For most women, this feels great, since no one part is singled out or overstimulated. Which brings me to another point…

Toys. Use ‘em. Seriously. Get yourself a trusty vibrating body wand (Hitachi, Lelo, Doxxy…) and don’t be chicken to use it when you fuck. (Extra large condoms fit over the heads of these for safer sex and easy clean up.) It doesn’t make you less of a man, it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough, so let that thought go. Most women don’t cum from penetration, and her clit contains double the nerve endings that the head of your dick does, all packed into one itty bitty pearl… So pulling the hood back and mashing the fun button while trying to coordinate fucking usually doesn’t feel so good for her, not to mention, some women don’t like having that directly touched at all. (I do though! See? Ask!) Vibrating wand to the rescue: it’ll give her widespread stimulation on the outside, while you’re, y’know… On the inside. Point being, this thing is your friend. As much as I’d love to go on about the wonders of toys… (Actually, we’ve got a post on that, too…) My Padawan, we’re running out of blog space.

In conclusion…

…Here’s the thing. I could write several installments on the ‘next level’ technical aspects of physically pleasuring her, but the basic behaviors and habits listed in this post are more important keys to good sex than any fancy schmancy sex move I could tell you about. Any ‘secret pussy handshake’ you read about without understanding these essentials is meaningless. So, let’s recap: Be positive, communicate, slow down, use lube, familiarize yourself with more than the ‘in and out’ of her body, and don’t be afraid to use toys.
Get these down pat, and you already have all the ingredients you need to be a good lover.
I’d say good luck, but listen and you won’t need it!