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Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversation much more interesting!
Joke of the Day
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandmother’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. …Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the dong and out on the dong.”
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if that fucking ice cream truck hadn’t come along!”
Joke of the day…
“Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to… unless you’re in prison!”
Buddha says…
“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
“Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind.”
“To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.”
“In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.”
“Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.”
“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”
“To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”
“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.”
“It is better to travel well than to arrive.”
“Just as a candle cannot burn without fire, men cannot live without a spiritual life.”
“Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom appears from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of human life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.”
“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.”
“The mind is everything. What you think you become.”
“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.”
“Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.”
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
“The tongue like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.”
“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.”
“Without health life is not life; it is only a state of langour and suffering – an image of death.”
“It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.”
“Chaos is inherent in all compounded things. Strive on with diligence.”
“Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.”
“Unity can only be manifested by the Binary. Unity itself and the idea of Unity are already two.”
“What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman in the midst of this world, where each person is clinging to his piece of debris? What’s the proper salutation between people as they pass each other in this flood?”
“When one has the feeling of dislike for evil, when one feels tranquil, one finds pleasure in listening to good teachings; when one has these feelings and appreciates them, one is free of fear.”
“The virtues, like the Muses, are always seen in groups. A good principle was never found solitary in any breast.”
“However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?”
“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.”
“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”
“I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.”
“What we think, we become.”
“I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done.”
“Virtue is persecuted more by the wicked than it is loved by the good.”
“All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?”
“We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world.”
“To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.”
“Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.”
“Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”
“The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.”
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.”
“A jug fills drop by drop.”
“He who loves 50 people has 50 woes; he who loves no one has no woes.”
“The wise ones fashioned speech with their thought, sifting it as grain is sifted through a sieve.”
Joke of the Day
5 Masculine Moments…
Please click on this hyperlink: http://safeshare.tv/w/GnFzeOCVZF
Joke of the day: Truly tasteless… no pun intended.
How to recognize a female suicide bomber…
If you see a woman with a fuse that arouses suspicion,
be very cautious and immediately dial 911.
…she may be a suicide bomber terrorist.
Humans are deuterostomes, which means that they develop in the womb, and the anus forms before any other opening. Which basically means at one point, you are nothing but an asshole… And some people never develop beyond this point.
Joke of the Day
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row totally nude in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his dick, and the candidates were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest Carlos. Poor Carlos… As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over from the waist with his butt in the air to pick it up and then all the other bells started ringing.
Tasteless Joke of the day:
How to properly clean your tongue…
This is the correct way to clean your tongue, as recommended by orthodontists.
I didn’t know this until this very moment but I will conform to it from this day forward!
Please click this link: http://bit.ly/oymgaD
Best Presidential Joke of the Year
President Obama walked into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”
Obama: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!”
Cashier: “Yes sir, I thought that was you, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etcetera, I must insist on seeing your ID.”
Obama: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier: “I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama: “I order you to cash this check!”
Cashier: “Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.”
Cashier: “Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?”
What’s Your Exercise Routine?
Kissing burns 6.4 calories per minute; wanna workout?
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute; wanna fuck?
Truly Tasteless Joke of the day…
Another Famous American Converts to Islam
It’s becoming a very scary world out there.
It was announced today that “Buckwheat” of Our Gang fame has converted to the Muslim faith of Islam and changed his name to “Kareem of Wheat.”
Let’s just hope he doesn’t become a cereal killer…
Joke of the Day
The Human Resources Director had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to two people either Mary or Jack. It was a difficult decision because they were both excellent employees.Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the water cooler for a glass of water to take an aspirin.
The Human Resources Director approached her and said, “Mary, I’ve never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
In response Mary asked, “Could you jackoff then?” “I feel like shit this morning.”
Dr. Phil’s 10 Relationships/Sex Myths
Think your relationship is a failure because you and your partner aren’t following certain “rules” or meeting certain standards? Dr. Phil blows the whistle on 10 of the most common but dangerous relationship myths.
MYTH #1: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP DEPENDS ON A GREAT MEETING OF THE MINDS
• You will never see things through your partner’s eyes because you are two entirely different people. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different.
• You will not solve your relationship problems by becoming more alike in your thinking. Men and women are wired differently. Attempting to blur your fundamentally different viewpoints is unnatural and even dangerous.
• Recognize that a relationship is far more enjoyable when you’re with someone who enriches your life, not simply reflects it. Appreciate your differences.MYTH #2: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES A GREAT ROMANCE
• Yes, your life with your partner should include plenty of romance. But don’t kid yourself and expect an unrealistic Hollywood fairytale. The truth is that in the real world, being in love is not like falling in love.
• Falling in love is only the first stage of love. It’s impossible to remain in that stage. A mature relationship will shift from dizzying infatuation to a deeper, more secure love.
• Don’t make the common mistake of thinking that when the initial wild passion fades you aren’t in love anymore. The answer is to learn how to move on to the next stages of love for a different but richer experience.MYTH #3: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES GREAT PROBLEM-SOLVING
• Don’t fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can’t be happy if you can’t resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.
• There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can’t you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.
• You can simply agree to disagree and reach “emotional closure” even though you haven’t reached closure on the issue.MYTH #4: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP REQUIRES COMMON INTERESTS THAT BOND YOU TOGETHER FOREVER
• There is nothing wrong with your relationship if you don’t share common interests and activities.
• If you and your partner are forcing yourselves to engage in common activities but the results are stress, tension and conflict, don’t do it!MYTH #5: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP IS A PEACEFUL ONE
• Don’t be afraid to argue because you think it’s a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. Even the healthiest couples argue.
• If approached properly, arguing can actually help the relationship by (a) releasing tension and (b) instilling the sense of peace and trust that comes from knowing you can release feelings without being abandoned or humiliated.
• Instead of worrying about how many times you argue, worry about how you argue. Here are some guidelines:•• Don’t abandon the issue and attack the worth of your partner during an argument.
•• Don’t seek conflict because it’s stimulating.
•• Don’t pursue a take-no-prisoners approach in your arguments.
•• Don’t avoid achieving emotional closure at the end of an argument.MYTH #6: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP LETS YOU VENT ALL YOUR FEELINGS
• Getting things off your chest might feel good, but when you blurt something out in the heat of the moment, you risk damaging your relationship permanently. Many relationships are destroyed when one partner can’t forgive something that was said during uncensored venting.
• Before you say something you might regret, bite your tongue and give yourself a moment to consider how you really feel. The things we say while we’re letting loose often don’t represent how we really feel and shouldn’t be communicated — especially if they are potentially destructive.MYTH #7: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX
• The belief that sex is not important is a dangerous and intimacy-eroding myth. Sex provides an important time-out from the pressures of our daily lives and allows us to experience a quality level of closeness, vulnerability and sharing with our partners.
• Sex might not be everything but it registers higher (90 percent) on the “importance scale” if it’s a source of frustration in your relationship. If your sex life is unfulfilled, it becomes a gigantic issue. On the other hand, couples that have satisfying sex lives rate sex at only 10 percent on the “importance scale.”
• Don’t restrict your thinking by considering sex to be something that only consists of the actual physical act. Touching, caressing, holding hands and any means by which you provide physical comfort to your partner can all be viewed as part of a fulfilling sex life.MYTH #8: A GREAT RELATIONSHIP CANNOT SURVIVE A FLAWED PARTNER
• Nobody’s perfect. As long as your partner’s quirks are non-abusive and non-destructive, you can learn to live with them.
• Instead of focusing on your partner’s shortcomings, remember the qualities that attracted you in the first place. Perhaps some of these idiosyncrasies were part of the attraction? Just because a behavior isn’t mainstream, doesn’t mean that it’s toxic to the relationship.
• Be careful to distinguish the difference between a partner with quirks and one with a serious problem. Serious problems that are destructive and abusive include substance abuse and mental/physical abuse. Unlike idiosyncrasies, these are not behaviors you should learn to live with.MYTH #9: THERE IS A RIGHT WAY AND A WRONG WAY TO MAKE THE RELATIONSHIP GREAT
• Nothing could be further from the truth. There is no definitive “right way” to be a good spouse, good parent, or to handle any relationship challenge that life throws you.
• Do what works for you rather than following some standards you might have read in a book or heard from a well-meaning friend. If what you and your partner are doing is generating the results you want, stick with it. If both of you are comfortable with the principles that work, you can write your own rules.
• Remember not to be rigid about the way in which you accept your partner’s expressions of love. There is no “right way” for someone to love you. The fact that your partner expresses feelings differently doesn’t make those feelings less genuine or of less value.MYTH #10: YOUR RELATIONSHIP CAN BECOME GREAT ONLY WHEN YOU STRAIGHTEN YOUR PARTNER OUT
• Don’t fall into the trap of believing that if you could change your partner, your relationship would be better. You are, at the very least, jointly accountable for the relationship.
• Let go of the childlike notion that falling in love means finding someone who will be responsible for your happiness. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness.
• If your relationship is distressed, the most important person for you to change might be yourself. Once you identify the payoffs you are subconsciously seeking with destructive behavior, you can choose to remove them from your life.SLUT:
The Urban Dictionary defines SLUT as, “A Woman with the morals of a man.” “A Woman who provides a very needed service for the community and sleeps with everyone, even the guy that has no shot at getting laid and everyone knows it. She will give him sympathy sex either because someone asked her to or she has sex with everyone she knows. These are great people, and without them sex crimes would definitely increase. Thank you slut, where ever you are.”
In addition, LPIN Professional Courtesans offer safe sex to approved clients for remuneration, and these precious Ladies are an indispensable asset to all humanity! I love you wonderful Ladies!
Joke of the Day
A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied, “just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied, “Get your own fuckin’ blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
Joke of the Day
Norman and the HOOKER
Norman, an old retired sailor, put on his old uniform and headed for the docks once more for old times’ sake and some hot sex.
He engaged a lovely prostitute and took her up to a room.
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance he asks, ‘How am I doing?’
The prostitute replies, ‘Well Norman, ya old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.’
‘Three knots?’ he asks. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
She says, ‘You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back!
Joke of the Day
The Talented Vagina
An old man was sitting on a train across from a gorgeous blonde woman wearing a short short mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he was unable to stop staring at her thighs.
To his delight, he realized she was going COMMANDO.She saw him staring and inquired, “Are you looking at my vagina?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” he replied and promised to avert his eyes.
“It’s quite all right,” she replied, “It’s very talented, watch this, I’ll make it blow you a kiss.”
Sure enough the vagina blew him a kiss.The old man was completely astounded and inquired what else it could do.
“I can also make it wink,” she replied.
The old man stared in amazement as her vagina winked at him.
“Come and sit next to me,” she said, patting the seat.
He moved over and she asked, “Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?”
Stunned, he asked, “You’re shittin’ me, you mean it can whistle, too?”
Trivia…
Vagina – The basic meaning of the Latin word vagina was a sword sheath – or scabbard for a sword. By association, Gladius (sword) was a common term for the penis.
Clitoris – is borrowed directly from kleitoris, a Greek word for both a door-tender and the female organ. This is thought to relate to kleis, a key, by which one gains entrance through a door.
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